Randomness

Im thinking back on the last year, when I didn’t know it would be our last year.

How could I have been so nonchalant, knowing that this was a possibility just over the next horizon, an eventuality that could very likely happen, even probably happen? I remember I thought that if I had to one day mourn, better to start when there was a real need to, and not one day earlier. That’s how I managed to keep smiling and doing what I had to do every day between the hospitals and the kids. And I tried to live up each moment we had together as much as I could, but you always felt so bad and I always believed there would be another tomorrow. Probably a better one. But somewhere in my subconscious I knew the truth, that time was limited. I knew that I would give it my best fight and that success was a possibility. But I also knew that the answer to the question How Long was like a crap shoot. It could be months or years. I just didn’t think it would be right now. But months or years always end up being a right now I guess. So if I know all this, why is it so hard to accept and be at peace? Or maybe I do accept it I just hate it. When it comes down to it, I just miss you. I miss your friendship. I miss your loyalty.

OK Im going to list all my reasons to be happy:

T, D & L obviously

My mom and dad

Tammy, Ron and Gadi

All my family – especially my cousins who I will see tonight

I have my health I think (we can never be sure now, can we?), and im not poor

Speaking of poor, I think it’s NOT FAIR that everything you ever worked for is with me, this girl you met 15 years ago. You don’t get to enjoy it. It’s not fair that im driving around in your Jeep. I will get your life savings everything from your work, court cases, not to mention the erased mortgage. You were so careful not to spend too much your whole life, what do I wish? I wish we “lived it up” more. We save and save and save and then look what happens. You can’t take it with you. But I know of course that you want it for the kids and you said it so many times before you died, which just goes to show me how you knew, you knew all along or at least you felt many times that there was not much time. But you can’t know then what you know now. Oh man, I’m all over the place.

I’m looking at your watch, I’m wearing it. It’s so heavy. And an hour fast. I’m not going to adjust it. It’s still in the time you were living in. I just found it actually. The night you died I put it on and then just as the kids were about to come in I quickly took it off so they wouldn’t see and ask why I was wearing it because they didn’t know anything yet. Then we went to the kibbutz for the funeral and when we came back I couldn’t find it. I’ve been looking for it for 3 months and I was sure i had stuffed it in a bag and it fell out and got lost somewhere. But today I found it at my mom’s on a high shelf. I must have put it up there. My dad heard me talking about your lost watch and he told me where he had seen it. So now I’ve got it. One day I will give it to Tomer or Dean. But for now, I like wearing it.

I am keeping myself so busy these days it’s ridiculous. Like Im on speed or something. I just go go go all day and then I crash when I put the kids to bed. Im starting work at Wix tomorrow! Then ill be even busier, truth is I have no idea how im going to cope. But whatever. Ill manage. Jordana still comes over sometimes and it’s nice. I finally got that friend across the hall – and American to boot! We talk about you. Everybody talks about you, of course. You used to love when I told you stuff people said about you, all good of course, now I guess you can hear it all for yourself and I can picture your cheeks turning a little red and your cute little laugh of pride and happiness. I love hearing people talking about you too. I love the people that recognize how great you were. Cause not EVERYONE did right away, let’s be honest. But those that really knew you, they did. All of them. And those are the people I like to be around these days.

I love you. You were great. Really great. We had all the ups and downs of any marriage. But you were a great husband. Im glad we picked each other and if I had to do it all again, with all the heartache, I would.