Soccer Tournament at Aran School June 2015

Hi Amirchook,

Yesterday at school there was a very special event. Your friend, Alon Levi, initiated a parent soccer tournament. Every grade had a team made up of 5 parents, who played against each other in a series of games, all vying for the coveted trophy. The whole school, as well as friends and families came out to watch and cheer the players.

One other important thing to mention- the whole thing was dedicated to you. It was also Alon’s idea. He asked my permission months ago, and even though we both know you weren’t the biggest soccer buff, I thought it was a very sweet gesture and really didn’t even know what to expect.

A couple days ago, it dawned on me that I might have to say something, and so I wrote a few words . I wanted to keep it light, it’s a sporting event after all. And, considering the audience, I tried to make it relevant to our neighborhood and sports in general, and tie it all back to you.

Alon read it for me, because of my stage fright. It was hard enough for me to just stand up there. I’m used to not being seen or sticking out, and kind of like it that way. But it was a chance for people to hear a little about you, to remind them who you were and what you were about. I will never stop doing that. I’ll never miss an opportunity to toot your horn. Because anyone who didn’t know you just…missed out.

For the boys it was a really big deal. I know they’ll never forget it.

They were just so excited. They couldn’t believe it was “all for you.” Dean’s friends were all competing who would sit next to him and followed him around like shadows wherever he went. When Tomer’s class started chanting his name I couldn’t hold back the tears.

One funny thing – and this is your son: When we were at the mic, waiting to start the ceremony, Dean was no where to be seen! We called him at the mic a few times, the audience waiting patiently…no Dean. Then some kids from his class came running in, exclaiming he went home. WHAT?! Finally, Chaim Taub found him (it’s always Chaim who comes to our rescue!). Turned out dean and a friend just wandered off to play behind the building.

Were you there? Did you see it all? Who knows. So to finish telling you, Tomer’s 3rd grade class took the trophy.

I think children often wonder what it would be like if one of their parents died. They play it in their minds - the grief and horror of it, but also imagine the loads of sympathy and attention they’d get – and it becomes some kind of weird twisted fantasy. I heard a stand up comedian talking about it. I guess it’s a common thing. Well, living it, I can see why. Tomer and dean have been flooded with attention. They’re like mini celebs cuz their dad died. And me too- now im “the strong one,” “the brave one” and so on, because I keep living. I feel flooded with people’s admiration. And for what? For being in a situation I had no control over? People say, no because there are those who stop functioning. Well, I don’t know if what im doing is “functioning.” Its some form of it, yes, but it’s far from where I want to be or where I think ill ever be again. I remind myself of a robot. going through all the motions. because i have to. Because besides working and making food and having friends over and maybe seeing a friend here and there, it’s very dark. Like Cheryl sandberg said, there's a void. a dark void that im drawn to and I don’t know how to possibly fill it or even if i want to.

Love and miss you,

me