After your birthday

Thoughts are like animals on a leash. You can hold on to them, restrain them, but sometimes you lose your grip just for a minute and all hell breaks loose. You go flying in every direction.

Restraining thoughts means living in denial - pretending that nothing has happened, nothing has changed. That at some point this long business trip or ski trip will be over. Using methods of distraction, just like I do with the kids. it's not that hard sometimes.

But once grief sets in, it's hard to get out of the brain. And i know it has its purpose, but still, i feel its my duty to as soon as possible bring the opposite of grief - that is real, genuine happiness, surprises and laughter back into our home. And i know its got to come from me, as much as i dont feel it. It’s like the brain’s chemistry is so much stronger than its will. Something has snapped- some neurons are firing in some opposite direction and it’s impossible to redirect, reboot.

Time, time, time. I'm aware that’s what it takes. To stop feeling sick about it. To stop feeling horrified. Ok, so I’ll wait.

Baby, your birthday passed a few days ago, like nothing. I didn’t write, I went to work, had a “normal” day. Some of your friends and fam sent messages on the Whatsapp. People are also contributing to the memorial garden your dad is building you in the kibbutz. I realize that besides your birthday there is going to be every child’s birthday, our anniversary, the date you died and yom kippur and probably even more dates. Always gonna be another date around the corner. So I gotta get used to that too. Just, not get worked up about it.

So im going to get older and you reached your limit, your end. i wonder how far I'll get. seems like a random number, 52. Everyone gets a number. it's like on a little slip of paper we carry in our pockets from birth and are never allowed to look at.

So I didn’t tell you in writing, this is my late card, but happy birthday, your Earth birthday, wherever you are. You were such a good friend to me. And took such good care of me. I appreciate it so much now.

Ok my love, I miss you and love you. happy birthday my love.